Occasionally, I still have to go through some bad experiences when it comes to meeting the more ignorant representatives of our health service. This time, it was my new physician. Unfortunately, he will never understand. He is too old, and he is much too self-assure to learn about my psychiatric diagnose. We even invited him to a meeting in the spring. The other participants were my former psychology specialist, my psycho-motor therapist, my fiancé, my support person, a local government representative, beside myself. The overall purpose for this meeting was precisely to make my new doctor understand better, what effects complex post-traumatic stress disorder has on me. In addition, how important it is not to push me and nor belittle me, if I try to mark some limits to protect myself. However, some people just aren’t capable to understand, and the best thing to do is to turn the back to such people and walk away. It will be no loss, my life still brings more challenges than I can handle.
In this digital collage, I’ve tried to show how I felt after my last consultation, a few weeks ago. Actually, I must admit that there was no consultation, because I ran out of the waiting room as soon as the physician mentioned appeared. Afterwards, when I had escaped, I experienced another one of my dissociating attacks. It took place in the middle of the stairs outside the doctor’s office, while I was waiting for my support person to come out. My right hand clasped to the handrail and my left leg stood at a lower step than my right leg, as if I was in the middle of climbing the stairs. I kept standing in this position for several minutes. I stood motionless, hardly breathing, stiffly staring at a brick corner in the wall in front of me, while my brain cells were highly active, stirring around in the porridge of feelings mixed up with withheld compulsions.
Some days later, I tried to figure out what people were thinking when they saw me standing stiff and motionless in the stairs. Actually, the first that got into my mind was that I must have looked like a weird human-like gecko. Maybe I resembled one too. Maybe people thought that I just had to stand still for the sun to warm up my body, to move again. I don’t know. Nevertheless, the geckos do it for a reason, and so did I.
Ignorance paired with arrogance sure is an unhealthy combination, especially when it materializes in health care workers. I’m looking forward to change to a younger, female physician!