WHEN I WAS LITTLE -A CHILD’S PRAYER

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Poem from Tussila’s Book I
Photo-collage created 2016 by Tussila Spring

Thank you so much for your time, warmest regards from Tussila =)

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Do you want to know more about living with complex PTSD/DISSOCIATION DISORDER? “TUSSILA’S B00K I” is out!

FOR FREE THROUGHOUT JULY 

“Tussila’s Book I” is now enrolled in

SMASHWORDS

2017 July Summer/Winter Sale!

July 1 – 31, 2017

It took me nearly fifteen years to accomplish this dream, but now finally my diary from psychiatric emergency care is published! I very much hope that this book can help to better understand various aftereffects due to childhood traumas!

So far, the responses I have received have been overwhelmingly positive. Many people have already thanked me for sharing my story.

I hope you too will take this opportunity and I am very excited to hear your opinion on my book, please feel free to comment when you have read it!

Hurry to tap  one the of the direct links below to download “TUSSILA’S BOOK I” for free:

Smashwords   Apple   Kobo   Barnes&Noble

Inktera (formerly Page Foundry)   Overdrive

FRONT PAGE, 1.4 MB

 REVIEWS ON TUSSILA’S BOOK I

  “The emotions are so strong in this book that the first time I read it I was crying along with her, laughing with her, angry with her. The strength to go on is inspirational itself.
If you have ever wanted to know what it is like to live with PTSD this is the perfect book.
The paintings are straightforward and inspirational as well.
Health care professionals should definitely read this. I cannot imagine the pain she must have gone through to come out strong enough to share her story. It must have taken an immeasurable amount of courage to post her personal diary.
Everyone has a different story, Tussila has chosen to share her story with the world. Her desperation, and the road to recovery.
“I have no illness; I have an injury. Who would call a traffic accident victim sick, or ill?”
Amazing book. Worth every tear just to have clarity again.”
Review written by Megan Starkweather at:

 Please share with your friends and colleges!

Thank you so much, warmest regards from Tussila Spring =)

About the language in TUSSILA’S BOOK

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Firstly, let me inform you that English is not my native tongue. If you find my writing a bit puzzling and out of the ordinary, please bear with me.

You may ask why I’m taking the effort to translate all this text into a foreign language. It’s no wonder if you ask, and of course, that was not at all my original plan. The explaining is as follows:

I’m depending on disability benefits, which means I have a restricted economy. Therefore, I can’t make this text into an ordinary print book as planned without financial assistance. I have considered contacting the old fashion public houses in my home country to ask if they would be interested. After some research, however, I realize I’m not robust enough to cooperate with professional publishers. They would most certainly have many ideas of all aspects of my book and they would probably put me under pressure in many respects. Then this new idea emerged in my head; what if I first publish an e-book? Maybe I could sell enough e-book copies to finance a printed version later on.

Some further research led me to the conclusion that my own small country’s market for e-books is not yet very active. Besides, I am afraid somebody will recognize me, if I would publish the book in my own country.

These facts made it easier to reach a conclusion. My book project has become so important to me that I really need to see it through. First I will publish my story as an e-book, in English, and due to my previous mentioned financial issues, I’ll have to translate it myself. Then, maybe later I can manage to publish a paper copy as well, which was my original goal.

Thank you so much for your time!

 

ABOUT TUSSILA SPRING

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Actually, my real name is not Tussila. Tussila is my alter ego; she is my inner traumatized child. I’m yet not ready to go public with my real name because I’m afraid to be recognized. Besides, while working with this book project, it feels much more comfortable to pretend that we are two individuals rather than one, which is the fact.
Therefore, if you wonder, I am not schizophrenic. However, I do have diagnoses that equal schizophrenia or psychoses in severity. I am diagnosed with PTSD and dissociative disorder, also called complex PTSD. I suffer from trauma inflected upon me mainly during my childhood. I am a survivor of incest, bullying, and negligence.
To me, it is crucial to emphasize the fact that I have survived. In addition, not only have I survived, in spite of my diagnoses, I am today living a rich and fulfilling life too.

Thank you so much for your time!

ABOUT TUSSILA’S BOOK

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ABOUT TUSSILA’S BOOK

We are all individual human beings. This fact also counts whether we have a diagnosis or not. It would be a mistake to say that all patients involved in, for instance, a traffic accident, require exactly the same medical treatment. There probably will be a need for individual medical attention and treatment, depending on the injuries and the patient’s ability to cope with the trauma. However, some of the treatments sustained will probably also be similar for many of the patients. This is also true for us suffering from other traumas like incest or bullying. We also are all individual human beings.
Therefore, I am, by no means, trying to look at my story as a universal guide of what complex posttraumatic stress disorder concerns. I don’t even believe it is possible to write such a book because of the wide range in individual histories and personalities.
However, as in the traffic accident, there will also be some similarities concerning the victims involved in childhood traumas. As I have learned, during years in therapy, there will also be similarities concerning the symptoms and aftereffects in survivors suffering from such traumas.
Those similarities have made me conclude that it would be wrong of me to assume that my story and symptoms differ too much from others to be of any interest. In other words, what if my experiences actually can make a difference, wouldn’t it be egoistic of me not to share them?
When it comes to my own understanding of my psychiatric diagnoses, it’s not as if I suddenly saw the light and then it all came clear to me. My road to understanding, and thereby to get a better life, has been, and will be, as in life itself, long, and slow moving and with many curves and hills on the way. The understanding has not appeared in one single flash of light either; it has consisted of all sorts of lights or all sorts of enlightening moments. I have had small lights, large glints, hardly visible shimmers, flashing lights; I have sensed the whole range of lights, especially in the last twelve years. These lights, small or large, have appeared mostly due to therapy. Looking back, let’s say one decade, I really am baffled when I realize how little I understood of myself back then.
I’ve been told from many holds that my challenges in life are not that far from what the others face, except for the prevalence and extremity of some of the symptoms. Based on those assumptions, it might be fair to suggest that the following statement isn’t very wrong, at least I hope, because that implicates also, I’m not that apart from other human beings as I used to believe:
Though I’m quite sure that nobody will recognize everything I’m describing in this book, I’m equally quite sure that everybody, diagnosed or not diagnosed, will recognize some of it.
I hope that by publishing this book I can offer one or two of the previously mentioned lights, or enlightening, mentioned above, to help bring other survivors closer to their way to a better life.

Thank you for your time!

TUSSILA’S BOOK, CLOSE TO PUBLISHING, words of encouragement to the author

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All right, Tussila. I can see you are struggling these days, and I don’t blame you. Really, I don’t.

You have been working so intensely with the book for such a long time. Can I just say that I am very proud of you, because your big project is getting so close to being accomplished? Very close. This project, which actually has kept you going through so many year, is about to reach its destination. This project, has kept you alive, by pouring will and determination into you, in periods when you nearly have given up life again.

Coming so close to realizing your big dream, marks in itself a point of overwhelmingly change in your life. I do understand that.

However, this isn’t the main challenge these days. I know that too. The greatest struggles are caused by the paintings. The text, you have gone through several times over the last year. You have crossed the lines of reluctance, of shame, of embarrassment many times during the process of translating, re-reading and correcting. You have gone through the text so many times that it doesn’t rip you open anymore. You have even had it red by strangers, by test-readers out in the big world. They have given you surprisingly warm and supporting responses so far. They have even praised you for your work and for your braveness for sharing your story.

No, it’s not the text, Tussila. It’s the paintings. You have just been doing some research, and you have found that the original 97 paintings must be reduced to 35 for part one of Tussila’s Book. If not, it will be very complicated and expensive to publish the planned e-book edition.

Further, you have recently opened the image files, and you have started to prepare all the paintings to fit into the document. The paintings from chapter one aren’t so bad to go over, plus you have seen them many times during the work with chapter one. It’s the paintings from chapter two and three, which really tears you apart, isn’t it? The paintings you made when you had lost all your fences. When you were about to die, and in a last attempt to survive showed yourself naked, stripped for all dignity and self-respect, lying open like a stanching wound with nothing left to cover yourself with.

These are the paintings you are working with now. You haven’t seen them for years. No wonder, this is tough Tussila. You are allowed to hesitate, to resent for a while. You are allowed to be sad, even depressed for a while. Don’t you worry, you might get used to the paintings too, as you did with the text.

Also, let’s make a deal Tussila. I know it is very hard, not to say impossible, to choose only one third from this large pile of paintings, they were almost equally important when you painted them. Remember Tussila, in the first place, we planned to make a print version. The e-book is only an attempt to finance the print version. So, all your paintings will be published in the print version. Until then, they will be kept safe in you drawers and on the computer.

If we think about it, maybe it is enough to publish 35 paintings as a start? Maybe it’s more than enough for now. All right, Tussila? Let’s go then!

First, a cup of coffee. Well done Tussila, (and myself too for that matter…)

COMPLEX PTSD/DISSOCIATING DISORDER’s weekly

Hello followers, and greetings for the day

I have tried to gather some information and stuff about the subject, into a weekly newspaper. If you are interested in learning more about this subject, please feel welcome to check out this link: https://paper.li/tussilasbook/1436909845