WHEN I WAS LITTLE -A CHILD’S PRAYER

Wisewords 3

Poem from Tussila’s Book I
Photo-collage created 2016 by Tussila Spring

Thank you so much for your time, warmest regards from Tussila =)

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TUSSILA’S BOOK, CLOSE TO PUBLISHING, words of encouragement to the author

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All right, Tussila. I can see you are struggling these days, and I don’t blame you. Really, I don’t.

You have been working so intensely with the book for such a long time. Can I just say that I am very proud of you, because your big project is getting so close to being accomplished? Very close. This project, which actually has kept you going through so many year, is about to reach its destination. This project, has kept you alive, by pouring will and determination into you, in periods when you nearly have given up life again.

Coming so close to realizing your big dream, marks in itself a point of overwhelmingly change in your life. I do understand that.

However, this isn’t the main challenge these days. I know that too. The greatest struggles are caused by the paintings. The text, you have gone through several times over the last year. You have crossed the lines of reluctance, of shame, of embarrassment many times during the process of translating, re-reading and correcting. You have gone through the text so many times that it doesn’t rip you open anymore. You have even had it red by strangers, by test-readers out in the big world. They have given you surprisingly warm and supporting responses so far. They have even praised you for your work and for your braveness for sharing your story.

No, it’s not the text, Tussila. It’s the paintings. You have just been doing some research, and you have found that the original 97 paintings must be reduced to 35 for part one of Tussila’s Book. If not, it will be very complicated and expensive to publish the planned e-book edition.

Further, you have recently opened the image files, and you have started to prepare all the paintings to fit into the document. The paintings from chapter one aren’t so bad to go over, plus you have seen them many times during the work with chapter one. It’s the paintings from chapter two and three, which really tears you apart, isn’t it? The paintings you made when you had lost all your fences. When you were about to die, and in a last attempt to survive showed yourself naked, stripped for all dignity and self-respect, lying open like a stanching wound with nothing left to cover yourself with.

These are the paintings you are working with now. You haven’t seen them for years. No wonder, this is tough Tussila. You are allowed to hesitate, to resent for a while. You are allowed to be sad, even depressed for a while. Don’t you worry, you might get used to the paintings too, as you did with the text.

Also, let’s make a deal Tussila. I know it is very hard, not to say impossible, to choose only one third from this large pile of paintings, they were almost equally important when you painted them. Remember Tussila, in the first place, we planned to make a print version. The e-book is only an attempt to finance the print version. So, all your paintings will be published in the print version. Until then, they will be kept safe in you drawers and on the computer.

If we think about it, maybe it is enough to publish 35 paintings as a start? Maybe it’s more than enough for now. All right, Tussila? Let’s go then!

First, a cup of coffee. Well done Tussila, (and myself too for that matter…)

Tussila’s roaring #stigma-fighting fifties!

I don’t know why, but today I’m angry, I’m so angry that in this writing moment, I can’t sit still on my chair, and my back is much straighter than normal, my neck is straighter, my eyes is glancing down on the screen, instead of straight forward at it. All that because I, in this writing moment is taller than normal.

Why this rage, and why now? Is it helpful? is it appropriate? Does this anger point anywhere, and in that case , in what direction does it point?

I will tell you: It points in the direction where the ignorance-believers, the belittling-teams , the professional know-how-experts and the patronizing-lovers live. My anger is an arrow and a sword, which purpose is to strike those communities where it all seems so easy to solve the complex injuries that often follows from childhood traumas. By all means, there are a lot of very competent people out there, trying to help and doing a fantastic job. This goes to those people in various health care units who really isn’t very interested in their patients well-being, and who still claims that they are doing a good job helping.

Most of all, I wish to say, loud and clear, and I will continue repeating as long as necessary: I never allow anybody to call me mentally ill, without me correcting it. What I have is injuries, mostly mental injuries that somebody has inflicted upon me, from the outside. I was perfectly fine when I was born. If I should allow anybody to call me mentally sick, mentally ill, or mentally poorly, I would see myself as weak, because then no causes would be mentioned to explain my condition, and all my courage and strength would disappear.

I therefore, without exceptions, always claim that I have mental injuries. That claim also clearly indicates that there are abusers and wrong-doers in my child history, and that they are responsible for my diagnoses, and not myself. That is my main point. And I guess that my rage mostly comes from the fact that I recently have noticed that terms like “mentally injuries” hardly exists on the web. As far as I can see, the majority still is tagging all mental disorders as “mentally ill”, “mentally sick” and so forth…

And I don’t understand why!

The diagnoses complex post-traumatic stress-disorder clearly has the word trauma in it. I what contexts is it proper to say that the word trauma means ill? As far as I can see, the understanding of the word trauma, is only mixed up when it comes to psychiatry.
Why on earth is that? Can somebody explain what purpose it has, to alter the meaning of diagnostic terms from the somatic health care to the mental health care?

I can not explain it, nor can I understand it.

I’m sorry for this outburst, I hope that I didn’t offend anybody, I just had to get it of my chest!

Knowing myself fairly well, I guess there will be a calmer image posted later today…

What on earth did I buy?

I can’t say how I enjoy my newly purchased Wacom board, but I’m not sure if I should share the following with you…
Well, I take the chance.
I got in the post a couple of months ago, and of course I was eager to have a try, unfortunately we lost our dear dog about the same time the board arrived, so I left it on the shelf for some time. But then, one evening I really needed something uplifting, I opened the box with this magic tool.
What can I say, please remember that I’m in no way trained in tools like that, or in computers for that matter. I’m totally self-thought in all respects, and that mean a lot of trying and even more failing…
Now, back to this board. A flat board, silver-colored and fancy looking came out of the box. I felt like a monkey given a new toy, sitting there at my desk, turning and lifting it, looking for out-and-input in the corners, and of course and most important, looking for the screen!
I couldn’t find any screen. I guess a lot of people would have a good laugh if they had seen me, I even tried to open the thing, thinking that maybe inside, even if the board was fairly thin…
Thank heavens I didn’t go to find tools, but only used my finger nails!

I had pictured myself in the resting chair in front of the television, with this fantastic drawing device on my lap, making all kind of exciting images.

Well, it didn’t work that way. And I don’t have a laptop but a stationary computer, so I’m still sitting at my desk. I have made on important improvement though. It didn’t come with wireless fittings, but I have ordered it since, and now my friends, I love the thing!

I don’t have to sit like a twisted curve to reach both the computer screen and the drawing board at the same time. And, it works perfectly fine to draw on the board, even if it has no active screen on it. I have just started to figure out the layer features, and I am having a lot of fun!

Thinking about it; maybe it’s just fine that I can’t use it in front of the TV too, or in the bed…

If you want to laugh now, please be my guest, I did too!

Thank you for reading!