Tussilago variationsII

Actually, my real name is not Tussila. Tussila is my alter ego; she is my inner traumatized child. I’m yet not ready to go public with my real name because I’m afraid to be recognized. Besides, while working with this book project, it feels much more comfortable to pretend that we are two individuals rather than one, which is the fact.
Therefore, if you wonder, I am not schizophrenic. However, I do have diagnoses that equal schizophrenia or psychoses in severity. I am diagnosed with PTSD and dissociative disorder, also called complex PTSD. I suffer from trauma inflected upon me mainly during my childhood. I am a survivor of incest, bullying, and negligence.
To me, it is crucial to emphasize the fact that I have survived. In addition, not only have I survived, in spite of my diagnoses, I am today living a rich and fulfilling life too.

Thank you so much for your time!

TUSSILA’S BOOK, CLOSE TO PUBLISHING, words of encouragement to the author


All right, Tussila. I can see you are struggling these days, and I don’t blame you. Really, I don’t.

You have been working so intensely with the book for such a long time. Can I just say that I am very proud of you, because your big project is getting so close to being accomplished? Very close. This project, which actually has kept you going through so many year, is about to reach its destination. This project, has kept you alive, by pouring will and determination into you, in periods when you nearly have given up life again.

Coming so close to realizing your big dream, marks in itself a point of overwhelmingly change in your life. I do understand that.

However, this isn’t the main challenge these days. I know that too. The greatest struggles are caused by the paintings. The text, you have gone through several times over the last year. You have crossed the lines of reluctance, of shame, of embarrassment many times during the process of translating, re-reading and correcting. You have gone through the text so many times that it doesn’t rip you open anymore. You have even had it red by strangers, by test-readers out in the big world. They have given you surprisingly warm and supporting responses so far. They have even praised you for your work and for your braveness for sharing your story.

No, it’s not the text, Tussila. It’s the paintings. You have just been doing some research, and you have found that the original 97 paintings must be reduced to 35 for part one of Tussila’s Book. If not, it will be very complicated and expensive to publish the planned e-book edition.

Further, you have recently opened the image files, and you have started to prepare all the paintings to fit into the document. The paintings from chapter one aren’t so bad to go over, plus you have seen them many times during the work with chapter one. It’s the paintings from chapter two and three, which really tears you apart, isn’t it? The paintings you made when you had lost all your fences. When you were about to die, and in a last attempt to survive showed yourself naked, stripped for all dignity and self-respect, lying open like a stanching wound with nothing left to cover yourself with.

These are the paintings you are working with now. You haven’t seen them for years. No wonder, this is tough Tussila. You are allowed to hesitate, to resent for a while. You are allowed to be sad, even depressed for a while. Don’t you worry, you might get used to the paintings too, as you did with the text.

Also, let’s make a deal Tussila. I know it is very hard, not to say impossible, to choose only one third from this large pile of paintings, they were almost equally important when you painted them. Remember Tussila, in the first place, we planned to make a print version. The e-book is only an attempt to finance the print version. So, all your paintings will be published in the print version. Until then, they will be kept safe in you drawers and on the computer.

If we think about it, maybe it is enough to publish 35 paintings as a start? Maybe it’s more than enough for now. All right, Tussila? Let’s go then!

First, a cup of coffee. Well done Tussila, (and myself too for that matter…)

Now, Tussila, are you ready to give it another try?

Okay, back to my book project again. We have had a little proceeding delay, because we’ve had to do some serious rethinking. The case is, we are going to need some help in the next stage, and we are not sure how to ask for it, not to say whom to ask.

So far, we have tried in three different directions. So far, they’ve all failed.

Now, why don’t we spell it straight out there, Tussila, I know you don’t like it. I know you feel embarrassed, I know you think they will laugh at you or maybe get nasty with you.

I have an idea, Tussila. Care to listen? Okay, then listen:

We have translated the first chapter, meaning I have. We, meaning I, are ready to start translate the second chapter. However, so far, I have no idea of how I’m getting along, language wise. I mean, is my writing understandable, is it OK for me to continue translating, or should I leave it with the professionals? Tussila, she doesn’t care about these issues, she wants to play with colors and with some new drawing gadgets I have purchased.

To keep us both sane, at least not less sane than we are at the time being, this is what I suggest:

I don’t think it is wise to let just anybody test read the writing.

The main target for my book, excuse me Tussila, our book (now you’re interested!) are mental health care workers with a special interest of Complex Post-Traumatic Stress-Disorder. What if we ask one of them? Would that be OK? Remember, we already have shown smaller parts of it to a number of our helpers over the years. Not a single one of them laughed at us or got nasty with us, you do remember that, don’t you?

What did you say, Tussila? No men! OK, I agree with you on that one. At this stage of the process, we will have no men involved. I know there is many gorgeous men out there, I even have one myself, so I hope you understand, this is just to protect us during the most vulnerable stage of the publishing process.

Well then, now I think our plea starts to crystallize pretty clear. I think there is only one small detail to add; I’ve chosen american English in the Words correcting program. I probably will be very confused if my test readers are more familiar with one of the other English variations.

All right, tomorrow we’ll try to make this reflections into a proper request, now we can take a break Tussila, well done!


New week, new possibilities!

Now, finally, and with a lot of help from sweet bluchickenninja, I think that my blog is in shape for some serious blogging activities. I hope you followers didn’t get to annoyed with me while figuring things out. Yes, I know, and the next time, I will make sure to set the blog to private before rearranging! With this blog, I am entering a new chapter in my life, so to speak. So is the case with my book, the first chapter has transformed into English, and is ready for test-reading. I think I have a plan for how to arrange test-reading, but more about that tomorrow. Tussila and I have to take small steps, and we have to think things thoroughly through first. I wish you all a nice start on the new week!

The art of waiting

Yes, it is sort of an art-form, waiting quietly for people to get back to me, after sending them an email. And that is what I have done. Not many mails, but to me excruciating important mails. I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. I guess it takes a lot of persistency to publish my book, so while I’m waiting, I’ll send my requests to somebody else too. At least I then will have more answers to wait for…

Don’t you worry, Tussila, we’ll get there in the end!