All right, Tussila. I can see you are struggling these days, and I don’t blame you. Really, I don’t.
You have been working so intensely with the book for such a long time. Can I just say that I am very proud of you, because your big project is getting so close to being accomplished? Very close. This project, which actually has kept you going through so many year, is about to reach its destination. This project, has kept you alive, by pouring will and determination into you, in periods when you nearly have given up life again.
Coming so close to realizing your big dream, marks in itself a point of overwhelmingly change in your life. I do understand that.
However, this isn’t the main challenge these days. I know that too. The greatest struggles are caused by the paintings. The text, you have gone through several times over the last year. You have crossed the lines of reluctance, of shame, of embarrassment many times during the process of translating, re-reading and correcting. You have gone through the text so many times that it doesn’t rip you open anymore. You have even had it red by strangers, by test-readers out in the big world. They have given you surprisingly warm and supporting responses so far. They have even praised you for your work and for your braveness for sharing your story.
No, it’s not the text, Tussila. It’s the paintings. You have just been doing some research, and you have found that the original 97 paintings must be reduced to 35 for part one of Tussila’s Book. If not, it will be very complicated and expensive to publish the planned e-book edition.
Further, you have recently opened the image files, and you have started to prepare all the paintings to fit into the document. The paintings from chapter one aren’t so bad to go over, plus you have seen them many times during the work with chapter one. It’s the paintings from chapter two and three, which really tears you apart, isn’t it? The paintings you made when you had lost all your fences. When you were about to die, and in a last attempt to survive showed yourself naked, stripped for all dignity and self-respect, lying open like a stanching wound with nothing left to cover yourself with.
These are the paintings you are working with now. You haven’t seen them for years. No wonder, this is tough Tussila. You are allowed to hesitate, to resent for a while. You are allowed to be sad, even depressed for a while. Don’t you worry, you might get used to the paintings too, as you did with the text.
Also, let’s make a deal Tussila. I know it is very hard, not to say impossible, to choose only one third from this large pile of paintings, they were almost equally important when you painted them. Remember Tussila, in the first place, we planned to make a print version. The e-book is only an attempt to finance the print version. So, all your paintings will be published in the print version. Until then, they will be kept safe in you drawers and on the computer.
If we think about it, maybe it is enough to publish 35 paintings as a start? Maybe it’s more than enough for now. All right, Tussila? Let’s go then!
First, a cup of coffee. Well done Tussila, (and myself too for that matter…)